It’s not a trick question. Nothing.
This summer, bassoonist Eric Barga drove to Covenant Presbyterian Church in Springfield, Ohio, after a day of teaching at his old school, Kenton Ride High School.
Eric was half an hour early for bell choir practice. To pass the time, he pulled out his custom-made Fox 610 red maple bassoon, sat down on the boot of his car and started playing some scales.
Seven minutes later, Springfield police received a 911 call, saying there was a white male in a jacket and jeans sitting on the back of his car by the church holding what looked like a long rifle.
Five minutes later, two police vehicles arrived on the scene.
“They didn’t immediately approach me,” Eric told Springfield News. “I saw a big police van roll up really slowly. I wasn’t concerned that I was doing anything wrong.”
Eric wondered if someone had made a noise complaint about him. The idea that someone might have mistaken his bassoon for a rifle, he said: “never crossed my mind”.
“In the right kind of light, it looks like a bazooka,” he said, “but I don’t think it was the right kind of light.”
The officers approached him.
“At this point, I realise they’re confronting me. I put on a little dopey smile and said, ‘Did somebody call the cops on me?’
“I didn’t really feel threatened. “I don’t get nervous. Years of music school (performance) beats that out of you.”
By the time the officers got to Eric’s car, they had realised the gun was in fact a musical instrument and were laughing. They even asked Eric: “Is that a bassoon or an oboe?”
Eric treated the officers to a bit of Mozart’s Bassoon Concerto before they left him to his practice.
So has America reached the stage of being worthy of ridicule? I’m asking. Readers can weigh in. I know the country has in the main succumbed to the obscene, but now it looks like the three stooges. Because I think we’re there. We’ve finally arrived.
Here are a few observations.
First, he’s right, music performance school beats the nerves out of you. My son, Joseph, is Concertmaster of the Austin Lyric Opera and a member of the Austin Symphony, has appeared on Austin City Limits (twice), has played with Peter Gabriel, recorded for Christopher Cross and many others. You have to lasso your nerves to do that sort of thing. He handled it like a champion.
Second, Americans need to take music lessons. All Americans. And no, rap and modern teen pop doesn’t count. To mistake a Bassoon for a long gun is a sign that someone needs to learn the musical instruments. You know those piano lessons your mom wanted you to take as a child, and that caused rebellion in the ranks? Yea, those lessons. They did you good, and you should have finished them. And you should learn to play a string or wind instrument too. It creates an appreciation for art, for the good things in life, for the beautiful, the exquisite, and the majestic. It also constructs the neural networks to understand math. Music students have an easier time with math. My son has his own studio, and many of his students are Asian. It’s virtually expected that Asian kids will learn music. American kids are learning teen pop and rap.
Third, Americans need to learn firearms. A Bassoon doesn’t look like a long gun. A long gun doesn’t look like a Bassoon. If I have to say any more about that, it’s time wasted on imbeciles. And knowing how to handle firearms and being ready to use them is the surest, quickest way to handle active shooter threats, as opposed to hiding under desks and throwing potted plants as suggested by the Department of Homeland Security.
I mean, how cool would it be to do math, play a musical instrument and handle an active shooter in the same day? You would certainly go to bed that night confident in your station in life.